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Dreams part 1
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“And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
These dreams in which i’m dying, Are the best I ever had”
Do you know why I am afraid of people?
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Despite my previous post of wanting not to post anything sad or depress, but these things must be known. First of all please don’t read further or click on links if you have a weak stomach or want to be ignorant. In this case, staying ignorance could be a fine choice, it will certainly make you happier about the false reality of the world
Two posts ago, I mentioned Kant. Although there are certain aspects on his philosophy I am quite disagree with. Though, I will acknowledged that there is a certain madness in both myself and him. And also that, I agree on his basic viewpoint to treat rational being (human) with respect. And with this I will go to the next point.
I, myself, a lover of food. Of all thing exotic. Though, at one point in my life, I was tricked into eating dog. At least that what they told me, in which, the last statement could very well be false. Did I like it? It was a long time ago, so I don’t remember. Would I try it again? probably never again. Would I judge those who do? I am not, but if there is a choice of food source, I would think a rational being should not chose dogs and cats and things like that. This is where I disagree with Kant, I believe some animals are also valuable and deserve our respects.
I have heard or monkey’s brain, cow’s balls and penis, fried scorpions on the food menu but however as rational being with dignity we should draw the line somewhere. And this should be it, news had surfaced over the year, of certain people in China habit of eating aborted human babies. I am so sick to by stomach right now, and wanting to throw up. Recently, I also heard (without sources to conform) that a tiny fraction of portion of people in china believe/eating virgin girls for health benefits.
The Chinese government had tried hard to erase all traits of these evidences. I am not trying to said that China and the Chinese are inhumane. These very very minority cannot reflect on the entire population. But what I am trying to get at is that there are these crazy people around the world. They looks normal like you and I, except as in Kant’s words, are immoral for treating a rational human life as a mere mean.
http://www.asiafinest.com/forum/lofiversion/index.php/t37170-0.html
I have decided
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I have decided not to post anything sad or depressing on this blog anymore. If the world could be a tiny little bit happier base on my action then so be it.
Ethic and suicide
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*Kantian (deontological/ duty based ethic)- “Firstly, under the head of necessary duty to oneself: He who contemplates suicide should ask himself whether his action can be consistent with the idea of humanity as an end in itself. If he destroys himself in order to escape from painful circumstances, he uses a person merely as a mean to maintain a tolerable condition up to the end of life. But a man is not a thing, that is to say, something which can be used merely as means, but must in all his actions be always considered as an end in himself. I cannot, therefore, dispose in any way of a man in my own person so as to mutilate him, to damage or kill him. (It belongs to ethics proper to define this principle more precisely, so as to avoid all misunderstanding, e.g., as to the amputation of the limbs in order to preserve myself, as to exposing my life to danger with a view to preserve it, etc. This question is therefore omitted here.)” (Immanuel Kant)
*Utilitarianism (consequence base ethic)- The only way can suicide be ethical, if the person commit suicide is happy, and the sadness that is resulted from it is less than the happiness the person who commit suicide feel. But that can never happen it a person have social ties with others.
*Virtue based ethic (Aristotle)- (from wiki) –Aristotle viewed suicide as an unjust act: “when a man in violation of the law harms another (otherwise than in retaliation) voluntarily, he acts unjustly.”[12] Thus, for a man to harm himself, Aristotle reasons, is an unjust act.—
*Care based ethic (feminism)- well it is unethical due to the tie with your family, friends, and acquaintances (no clear stand on suicide but pretty much influenced by the previous three –based ethic)
*Role based ethic (Confucius)- 2 types of suicides: self-regarding reasons or others regarding reasons. For self-regarding reason, it is only ethical if it for preserving dignity. However in Confucian beliefs to die before one’s parent is immoral.
Blue Monday
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—–Well Monday was about couple of days ago. The weather sucks egg. The snows melted, not into spring, but this grayish freakish weather. It was a surprise at my school, since there was some sought of child sexual abuse awareness thing. The best part is all the free “good” pens and pencils, yeah. I love free stuffs. And they got a pretty cool collage of artistic shirts about child sexual abuse, I took quite a few pictures. But some of it ended up sux so bad, it come out all blurry and shit. I am such a noob. But yeah, there are a few good poems on those shirt, but I can’t make out with the poor quality pictures.. 
There were some child shaped cardboard posters that have the name and description of children who didn’t make it alive. I stood there for a quite sometimes. I asked one of the guy who were in charge if he knew these kids personally. He said no. Something about it hurts real bad. Though, at least they died while remained innocent and if there is a God and heaven. I don’t doubt they make it to paradise. It kinda strange to think that way, especially reflecting upon my past self. I was really innocent once, and now I am just as fuck up as everyone else.
Though, the most disturbing must be about priests and child molestation. I guess even innocent cannot last under the most holiness of place.
My fucking life
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Well today supposed to be a good day, I went to have my finger print so that I could take the USA citizen test. Yup, I am not an American yet despite living in this country for almost 8 years now. Afterward, we went to Portillo, and I ordered Italian beef which was quite good. We got some family time: mom, step dad, half sis, step sis, and me. The day gone by smoothly, until later which I was having a conversation with my mom. We talked about various things: family financial matter, car problems, college and the navy thing, her post Vietnam war experiences, her college days, the army and shit like that.
So I asked her, “Was I a child resulted of love?”
I have asked her this question before. But this time her answer was a bit longer, the answer like always yes. My mom did love my dad, but neither side of the family could even careless or on an agreement. I also learned that because of my birth, my mom was denied of the opportunity to come to America then along with the rest of her family. Even at one time, she was thinking about getting an abortion (this I didn’t know). I didn’t know that during the process of my mom and dad breaking up, my dad tried to kill me in couple of various incidents.
He fucking toy with his fucking 3 years old son’s life. Driving in the fucking rain doing stupid stunts with his asian scooter just trying to hurt my mom’s feelings. He fucking going to kill me by overdose me malaria medicine, and about to fucking bash my head with a fucking rock.
I did have memories of those. I did have memories of how cold it was and that I cannot breath under the wind and rain. And I did have somewhat memories of how the cops wrestled with my dad to take me away from him. I did remember something like they were fearing he got a knife. But not until today, I learned he was trying to kill me. My dad who has not even hit me once in my life time or so I remember is fucking trying to kill me. What the hell am I suppose to say to him once I see him again (haven’t seen him for 8 years).
He fucking ruined my life. Always hunting my mom and me down, therefore I never settle down in one place. Thinking back, I never even have a singe friend in those years. I was ok through this. Until, I asked what was I like back then.
She made this comment, that I was always seek love and friendship that I tried to buy them. This she was referred to my first friend/ best friend when I was 7 or 8. I tried to buy his affection with my toys, and my treats. And when she made this comments, I busted into tears. Because now I got no one as a close friend. Back then, I tried to be like and I did everything in my power, even getting sexually abuse. After coming to America, I tried really hard in school and even though I suck, I always tried hard in Gym classes. Even online, I am trying to seek affections. And by joining the navy, I am fooling myself, that I could forged new bonds.
But now, I think it may have been best if my dad kill me then. Then I won’t suffer because I was sexual molested by my uncle, nor the violent time between him and my mom, nor my loneliness, nor the fact that I think I am turning gay. Fuck.. Fucked my extended family where the hell they were when all this time. Fuck them all. Fuck my life. And God, why the hell do you have to fuck my life up so badly. What the hell am I suppose to do with my fucking life..
Wtf moments of the day
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Moment 1-
I woke up today by my mom, asking me about the new scratch on my van. This isn’t anything new, it only added to the whole collection of scratches. But what bother me is the fact even though I am most likely to be the cause for it, but I always the last person in the household to know these thing. So I thought it wasn’t a big deal, because I didn’t even acknowledged it the day before, so it must not have stand out that much. However, when I go outside to drive to school. I was so shocked at the damage, and the fact that I didn’t remember how it get that way. Hopefully, I didn’t scratch someone’s car at the same time…. Sigh, they are probably cussing at me about now.
Moment 2-
Went online sometime early this morning and was trolling around, looking at an article about eunuch, (which is quite sad considering eastern culture practices and religion practices) as I strolling down, I couldn’t help but notice “Lý Thường Kiệt” was in the historically significant eunuch. I was so piss, how could that be. Calling this person an eunuch is like calling George Washington impotent. I got all work up, and then I suddenly realize it only just Wikipedia.
Moment 3-
Go to work this evening, in a conversation with my manager about President Obama. I was asking her whether she is a Democrat or Republican. She replied, well most African Americans are Democrat. And I was so shocked, not at the fact that she is a democrat but the fact that she is African America. “Yes, I am black,” she replied “all my family members are black.” For all this time working for her, never once it crossed my mind that she is black. In fact, I thought she is too white (skin wise) to be black. This one of those moments, where I think black and white is just some bullshit someone make up to established a white supremacy society back in the days. Looking back at history (especially in the Greece and Roman) there is no such thing as being black or white, just a person from Troy or Athens or Carthage or wherever.
But I am not very trustworthy when come upon ethnic group, since at once point I thought Latinos are Asians. And beside, later in the same conversation, we mentioned about a couch in the store, in which I mentioned it is green, while another coworker saying it is brown. So apparently now, I am colorblind or something.
Moment 4-
I was talking to another co-worker about gay marriage, and she mentioned her aunt. The story just shocking because her aunt married and has two kids (one is now in his twenties). And now divorced her husband, and going to married a woman. My co-worker said she was crying when she found out her aunt a lesbian. And I was like wtf.
Riley
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Right now, I have some friends, a lot of acquaintances, and no one really closed. All my past really close friends/ comrades have faded away as I move on in this bitchy current called life. And I decided to keep my online life somewhat separate from my real life, therefore, I delicate this post to someone really cool I recently come to know online, Riley. Can he be considered to be a friend, or would he consider me as a possible friend, that I dunno. And it doesn’t matter anyway, because there are no memories, because there are no ties between us. And such things cannot just be created from avatar to avatar interaction. The reason why I like him:
1. He is a gay, and yet he kickass, and as far as I can see, isn’t associate with any stereotypes
2. He inspired to be a chef, and love food. And willing to try different types of cuisine.
3. He a football (soccer) player
4. He from Australia. The continent I know least about
5. He is honest. How do I know, because he never reply to private messages that I assume don’t want to discuss
6. He is a perfect model for my fiction
7. He is there for his friends (those who I am not fortunate enough to know)
8. His personality and his blog
9. He has not yet been corrupted to the world’s decaying moral pollution
10. Because he is Riley
Love
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Love has many meanings, whether it is an attachment, affection, a feeling, a sexual passion or desire. They are all love. I thought my heart grew cold and detached that I cannot feel love anymore. But I was wrong, I still cannot let go. Love is deep rooted, into others’ hearts and minds. Sometimes you searched within yourself and you found nothing. While your love is there all along, when you try to break free. But you couldn’t because there is love, springs of love tied to you. Let you know that it is there, letting you know that you are grounded.
Well the news that I possibly may join the Navy is now known to my family and immediate extend family. My grandma called today, half sobbing, saying how she remember when I was but a little boy fitted inside the old bicycle’s basket as she rode me through town. She tells me to go with her on vacation to Vietnam for a period of time, revisiting my root, before deciding anything. Then she abruptly ended the phone call, after she spoke her thoughts. I didn’t want to cry then; man don’t cry anyway. Man are cold, emotionless, bastard like creature. And I am yet to be a man, but this will be my first step.
My mom said that she proud I have not yet changed my decision even after so many people wanting me not to go. But she said I broke her heart, that she never thought, all those abuses she went through from her marriages, all through her life, working in shitty jobs, to bring me over in the land of promises so that I may be a soldier. She just can’t understand it, she asked whether it was her faults, the family’s fault. Whether it has something to do with school, with my workplace. But all in all, she is really asking whether if it was something she did. And it was the second time in my life, she making me feel so guilty.
It never was her fault, how could it be, she is a saint, and I am a sinner. It always me, it always me, who is morally decayed, who is physically decayed, and who is mentally decayed. I need to get away. I need to get away from my problems, from my past, and from the one that love me, that tied me down.
She tell me, to tell her my problem, to tell her the reason why. How could I do that, while I am still lying to myself pretending to be sane.
